A THOUSAND CROSSINGS X

Dear Diary...
Lost
vendredi 26 février 2010

I feel so lost now these days. I don't know why but I feel like I've been walking around aimlessly in HCI. Starting to wonder if its the school for me.

I guess one of the reasons is that everyone has begun their CCAs or are already in a CCA, except for me. Everyone seems to have their niche area. Zong Xian has dance, Voon has violin, Kai Rou has badminton and 黄城 and Leonard has Tahan.

I enjoy cycling and playing pool. I enjoy shooting too, thanks to a good experience back in NCC air, but Air Rifle doesn't want me. I love kids and helping them, that's why I volunteer at LIFE on Saturdays. I wanted to make helping children my CCA via Interact, but they didn't want me either ):. Neither of the remaining 2 is a CCA. Choose a CCA which you have a passion in, but what if there's no CCA left that feeds your passion? :/

And I guess I feel aimless also because there's no one I'm close to here in HCI. Back in Cat High, I had Wei Kit and Wei Xuan, and the PB EXCOs and the ever supportive NCC Air and 4-1. But here in HCI there's no one I can have a heart-to-heart talk to, let alone pour my heart out. ): Maybe I suffer from social anxiety disorder. :/ I really wish that my 'extroverted online' self can be my real self. There's no one to rely on here. I always felt it was better to have a small group of extremely close friends rather than a large group of acquaintances, however what am I to do when my small group of friends aren't here with me?

And the way HCI works is confusing me and to a large extent stressing me out. They have so many programmes. Science research, A*star research, Leadership programmes, buddy programmes, olympiad competitions, and everyone seems to be in them, except for me. There's a certain feeling of being left out, but I wouldn't want to be in these programmes either because they aren't my kind of thing. I like other things. So it's quite stressful, a kind of dilemma, everything seems to be done for the sake of your curriculum vitae.

And now there's this service learning thing. I have to get approval before I can proceed on my CIPs. But I've already started on my LIFE programme! Why do I have to get approval to do simple CIPs such as tutoring children LIFE? If the school needs evidence that I have actually clocked as much hours as I claimed, I can provide an endorsement letter or get them to contact the beneficiary. I'm also going to organise an outing for LIFE in June, but this service learning thing is really confusing me, because I need to get approval, again. I feel as if the school is trying to track my every move, I don't really like the feeling of being watched and followed.

But then again, like my mum said, they want to keep a record. Maybe they want to ensure that you really did the CIP so they asked for your reflections as well, to make sure you didn't do it for the sake of CIP hours. But sometimes I feel, what you learn isn't something you can simply put in words. It's more of a mentally affecting thing. Something that creeps into your head stealthily, but benefits you for the rest of your life. Maybe they're just trying to help...

But I like that kind of freedom where I am free to do what I wish without accounting to anyone... OK that sounds wrong, but I hope you get what I mean.

Sigh, I really don't enjoy school as much as I should because it's so confusing here. I miss Cat High.

Au Revoir

yongliang

he closed his diary at {18:55}