A THOUSAND CROSSINGS X

Dear Diary...
Ponder
mardi 15 septembre 2009

I watched Frontline on Channel 8 immediately after I came home just now. The episode's theme was "Extraordinary Volunteers". The episode was about 3 volunteers, one who had suffered a mild stroke, another who had suffered physical disfigurement, and the last one who is about to lose her hands and legs.

I only managed to watch the section about the lady who was about to lose her hands and legs. The sight was unbearable. Her hands and feet have turned charcoal black. She cannot move them, and they look hard as stone to me. Even the nails were black. Right before she admitted herself in the hospital, all she complained of was back pain. And mind you, SHE WALKED to the hospital herself. That was how healthy she was. But after she entered the hospital, she never had the chance to walk again.

She was an active volunteer before she was diagnosed with this weird disease (I have no idea what she had contracted, I think they said diabetes? But I don't think diabetes will turn out like that.. :/ Her appendages weren't rotting. They just turned charoal-black. Not at all like the colour of rotting flesh). So this led me to think, she was so charitable and willing to give, but why should such an unfortunate thing happen to her.

The first thing I thought of was Karma. Maybe she did something really bad and this was retribution. But then, even if she really did a really bad thing, after doing all these years of charity and service to the unfortunate and needy, she should have cleared her "CWO" already. No? So, I didn't think it was Karma, it just didn't fit.

Next, I thought, my religious friends often tell me of a purpose in life. So I thought, maybe there is a purpose why The One decided to 'give' her the disease. But I thought again, what purpose is there? Lead people to think that even though you are charitable, it does not mean you will come to a good end?

Then I thought. But what is purpose? What purpose is there of having this purpose? Why should there be purpose if everything is going to end the same way, anyway? Some may argue that The One 'gave' her the disease so that she can inspire others, because even though she no longer is able to use her hands and legs, she still is staying strong and being the pillar of support for her family, so her purpose is to inspire others; even if you are old and sickly, you still can support others. But what purpose is there to have this purpose to inspire others?

Everything is going to come to an end anyway. So what if she spreads that idea to millions of people. Those people will die anyway. In what way will that idea improve the end? The end is still going to remain the same no matter what you do. So what purpose is there to have purpose? Just as the character in Anton Checkhov's Ward No.6 , Andrey Yefimitch said, " "Prisons and madhouses there will not be, and truth, as you have just expressed it, will triumph; but the reality of things, you know, will not change, the laws of nature will still remain the same. People will suffer pain, grow old, and die just as they do now. However magnificent a dawn lighted up your life, you would yet in the end be nailed up in a coffin and thrown into a hole." It is a complete cycle, but what is the purpose behind the cycle? To die? We do so much, only to die?

"However magnificent a dawn lighted up your life, you would yet in the end be nailed up in a coffin and thrown into a hole."

Then I think, so why are we doing what we are doing now when all road leads to Rome?
The laws of nature will still remain unchanged. No matter what we do, it will all come to closure, so why the effort and hardship and suffering?

One day, everything will return to the soil. The soil may even cease to exist. Everything we longed or owned will vanish and disappear. So why long or own them in the first place?

Then, why are we here anyway? Who are we?

It's quite amazing how I have been living for nearly two decades and still do not know who I am and what life means exactly.

Au Revoir

yongliang

However magnificent a dawn lighted up your life, you would yet in the end be nailed up in a coffin and thrown into a hole.

he closed his diary at {14:43}